Here's to all the babies in Heaven
Updated: Oct 28, 2019
I want to launch my blog by sharing about the importance of this month, as October is Baby Loss Awareness Month, in honoring all the grieving parents around the world who have lost their babies during pregnancy or infancy.
I never got a picture of my first baby.
I remember my first ultrasound. It was early, only about six weeks gestation. My husband, Zach, and I were in awe of the little life forming inside me. My doctor forgot to print me a picture.
Two and a half weeks later, I started bleeding, the blood getting redder throughout the day. We went in for an ultrasound the next day, and there was no heartbeat. I was devastated, in shock, completely confused. My fill-in doctor kept asking me when I had last eaten, if I wanted to schedule a D&C for that day. She kept trying to assure me that this was normal, that there was probably something wrong with the baby. This was for the best. I didn't need to cry. I was young. I could have another.
I just nodded and cried. What I wanted to say, to yell, was, My baby was perfect! There was nothing wrong with him. I don't know if I will ever have another baby, but even if I do, I want THIS one!
Zach and I prayed for a miracle that week; we prayed for God to give our baby life and breath back. We didn't know his gender at that point, but we named him Samuel, our offering to the Lord, as Samuel was Hannah's. Looking back, I remember the physical pains of miscarrying, the contractions and the intensity of that one day. We went in to see my doctor for a follow-up. She hugged me and told me how sorry she was for my loss, and I wept. The Lord was merciful. Though Samuel had not come back to life, He had taken him fully out of me. I was praying that if our baby didn't live, that he would pass from my body that week, so I wouldn't need anything surgical to be done.
Those next months were so painful. I cried for many days in a row, and my longing for Samuel was overwhelming, all-consuming. I went through an intense time of spiritual darkness, wondering if God was good, questioning why He wouldn't answer our prayers, why He would take our baby. I told Zach one night that I wasn't sure how I could believe that God was good. He said, "Yes, you do. You believed it before, and God doesn't change. So He must be good. And you believe it." That spoke comfort to me in ways that I can't quite explain.
I searched the Scriptures for meaning. I also wondered where my baby was, since I had never really thought about what happened to babies before. I read every instance of a baby in the womb that there is in the Bible, and I know that my baby had a purpose. God told Jeremiah,
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations" (Jeremiah 1:5 NASB).
Before Jeremiah had even been conceived, he was known by God. Before he drew breath, God had a purpose for him. He was given a purpose while in the womb. When Mary, mother of Jesus, went to visit her cousin, who had conceived John the Baptist,
"When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby leaped in her womb; and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. And she cried out with a loud voice and said, 'Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb! And how has it happened to me, that the mother of my Lord would come to me? For behold, when the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby leaped in my womb for joy'" (Luke 1:41-44 NASB).
Elizabeth's baby leaps for joy; he can experience joy in the womb! And he is aware that he is near the Lord of lords, the King of kings. Elizabeth calls the baby in Mary's womb the Lord. She recognized His soul, His spirit, His identity even in the womb.
So my baby, my Samuel, was alive. He had a purpose, though his life was short. He lived, and he lives on now, with my King Jesus in Heaven. And if you have lost a baby, so does yours.
Can we honor all these little lives that have been lost, together?
If you're reading this and have lost a baby during pregnancy or infancy, would you share a little bit in the comment section? Do not feel pressure, but I would love to honor you and your loss. I am so very sorry for your loss, for your agony, for the dashed hopes and dreams. I bless you with comfort, with love and assurance of the Lord's goodness and love for you. I bless you with renewed hope and new vision for your future.
I have a kindred spirit to you, mama, to you father, as our children are in Heaven together right now. How I long to meet them.